Author Archive


Turn Up the Guise!

Don’t forget to hide your face this Thursday

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

This Wednesday the Torch will be running an advertisement for the Turn up the Good concert on April 4th. If you’re too embarrassed to go to the concert, make sure you wear the mask provided to you on the back of the Torch newspaper!

Simply cut yourself some eye holes and go without shame knowing that no one will recognize you. Don’t know who the bands are? Don’t worry about it; we’ve got you covered, literally. Holding up the mask ensures that no one will question why you are at the concert, only that you want to turn up the good and not be bothered doing it.

Wear your guise and get weird with Turn up The Good, this Thursday, April 4th. (more…)


Torch Bought Out by the Onion

Budget problems solved for campus newspaper

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

In a remarkably charitable move by The Onion, the fledgling college newspaper The Ferris State Torch was bought out by the mega media giant in an effort to save the campus media.

Onion representatives commented on the buyout by saying “Our quest to give the world the best satire possible will only continue in this purchase of a small campus newspaper. We couldn’t be happier to have the staff become our doting slaves to our causticity.”

Current Torch Opinions Editor, Jax Anger said begrudgingly “I won’t be here next year, so I don’t care two figs about what happens to them. I worked hard all year long to establish a section based solely on cynical derision; I’ve done my job.” (more…)


Hockey Program Cancelled; Replaced by Curling

Ferris' total season attendance of 245 fuels drastic change

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

An inside source from Ferris State recently informed The Torch sports staff that the Division I hockey program will be cut and replaced with Olympic curling.

“Hockey is fun. But curling is a lot more fun, I guess,” freshman forward Dakota Klecha said. “Probably time to start working on my arm curls and strength training forearms. Not only for summer time and girls, but also for the sport.”

Due to historically low attendance at Ewigleben Ice Arena in Big Rapids, Ferris Athletic Director Perk Weisenburger has decided to shift the focus of Bulldog sports. (more…)


Ferris Marketing Approves New Billboards

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

Ferris State University’s advertising campaign on the highways has been wildly successful.

Going on a hunch, Ferris officials decided to expand that campaign by adding more billboards with slogans that were even more relevant than the ones that already stand sentry to the highways of Western Michigan.

“We came up with a few quotes that personified our university experience as a whole,” billboard committee chairman Barry Gusey said. (more…)


Date My Professor

New dating service aimed at college co-eds

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

A new startup company has made a presence on the Ferris Campus this week. Date My Professor is run by three Ferris alums that took their love for education to a much higher level than most.

Mike Michaelson, Steve Stevenson and Kate Katesburg were all 2010 Ferris graduates who majored in Applied Business Terminology. The trio was formed in a forced study group in one of their many classes.

“We were put together by Professor Knackerbread in his ‘what you knead to know about dough’ class. It was perfect that we were all in a group together because attendance wasn’t mandatory, so we all skipped all the time,” Katesburg said. (more…)


A Life of Luxury

Residence halls to have new amenities next semester

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

This coming fall, the residence halls will have a whole new look and feel.

Since Ferris decided it was time for an upgrade to the rooms in the residence halls to make them more modern and appealing, amenities such as a flat screen 42” LCD television, a kitchenette and a jacuzzi will be added to the rooms. The remodeling will take place this summer.

Susie Q, a Ferris freshman in underwater basket weaving, said she is looking forward to the luxurious new look. (more…)


Townies Banned From the Rock

Finally, an answer to students’ prayers!

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

In a landslide decision this Monday, the Board of Trustees agreed to permanently ban all residents of Big Rapids that were not also Ferris students or staff from eating at The Rock dining facility. This effectively bans all the population of the city of Big Rapids, referred to by most students as “Townies” from eating at the campus establishment.

Students reacted by joining together in a joyous chorus of kumbya as well as actually eating the ice cream cones they had taken.

“I can actually enjoy this delicious treat now that some 300 pound honky isn’t sitting next to me with their five kids screaming in my ears,” Kevin Federline, junior in the nutrition and healthy lifestyles program, said. “I mean, I never realized how good ice cream could be when you can eat it with your peers.” (more…)