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Turn Up the Guise!

Don’t forget to hide your face this Thursday

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

This Wednesday the Torch will be run­ning an adver­tise­ment for the Turn up the Good con­cert on April 4th. If you’re too embar­rassed to go to the con­cert, make sure you wear the mask pro­vided to you on the back of the Torch newspaper!

Simply cut your­self some eye holes and go with­out shame know­ing that no one will rec­og­nize you. Don’t know who the bands are? Don’t worry about it; we’ve got you cov­ered, lit­er­ally. Holding up the mask ensures that no one will ques­tion why you are at the con­cert, only that you want to turn up the good and not be both­ered doing it.

Wear your guise and get weird with Turn up The Good, this Thursday, April 4th. (more…)

 
 
 

Torch Bought Out by the Onion

Budget problems solved for campus newspaper

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

In a remark­ably char­i­ta­ble move by The Onion, the fledg­ling col­lege news­pa­per The Ferris State Torch was bought out by the mega media giant in an effort to save the cam­pus media.

Onion rep­re­sen­ta­tives com­mented on the buy­out by say­ing “Our quest to give the world the best satire pos­si­ble will only con­tinue in this pur­chase of a small cam­pus news­pa­per. We couldn’t be hap­pier to have the staff become our dot­ing slaves to our causticity.”

Current Torch Opinions Editor, Jax Anger said begrudg­ingly “I won’t be here next year, so I don’t care two figs about what hap­pens to them. I worked hard all year long to estab­lish a sec­tion based solely on cyn­i­cal deri­sion; I’ve done my job.” (more…)

 
 
 

Hockey Program Cancelled; Replaced by Curling

Ferris' total season attendance of 245 fuels drastic change

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

An inside source from Ferris State recently informed The Torch sports staff that the Division I hockey pro­gram will be cut and replaced with Olympic curling.

“Hockey is fun. But curl­ing is a lot more fun, I guess,” fresh­man for­ward Dakota Klecha said. “Probably time to start work­ing on my arm curls and strength train­ing fore­arms. Not only for sum­mer time and girls, but also for the sport.”

Due to his­tor­i­cally low atten­dance at Ewigleben Ice Arena in Big Rapids, Ferris Athletic Director Perk Weisenburger has decided to shift the focus of Bulldog sports. (more…)

 
 
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Ferris Marketing Approves New Billboards

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

Ferris State University’s adver­tis­ing cam­paign on the high­ways has been wildly successful.

Going on a hunch, Ferris offi­cials decided to expand that cam­paign by adding more bill­boards with slo­gans that were even more rel­e­vant than the ones that already stand sen­try to the high­ways of Western Michigan.

“We came up with a few quotes that per­son­i­fied our uni­ver­sity expe­ri­ence as a whole,” bill­board com­mit­tee chair­man Barry Gusey said. (more…)

 
 
 

Date My Professor

New dating service aimed at college co-eds

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

A new startup com­pany has made a pres­ence on the Ferris Campus this week. Date My Professor is run by three Ferris alums that took their love for edu­ca­tion to a much higher level than most.

Mike Michaelson, Steve Stevenson and Kate Katesburg were all 2010 Ferris grad­u­ates who majored in Applied Business Terminology. The trio was formed in a forced study group in one of their many classes.

“We were put together by Professor Knackerbread in his ‘what you knead to know about dough’ class. It was per­fect that we were all in a group together because atten­dance wasn’t manda­tory, so we all skipped all the time,” Katesburg said. (more…)

 
 
 

A Life of Luxury

Residence halls to have new amenities next semester

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

This com­ing fall, the res­i­dence halls will have a whole new look and feel.

Since Ferris decided it was time for an upgrade to the rooms in the res­i­dence halls to make them more mod­ern and appeal­ing, ameni­ties such as a flat screen 42” LCD tele­vi­sion, a kitch­enette and a jacuzzi will be added to the rooms. The remod­el­ing will take place this summer.

Susie Q, a Ferris fresh­man in under­wa­ter bas­ket weav­ing, said she is look­ing for­ward to the lux­u­ri­ous new look. (more…)

 
 
 

Townies Banned From the Rock

Finally, an answer to students’ prayers!

by Published: Apr 1, 2013

In a land­slide deci­sion this Monday, the Board of Trustees agreed to per­ma­nently ban all res­i­dents of Big Rapids that were not also Ferris stu­dents or staff from eat­ing at The Rock din­ing facil­ity. This effec­tively bans all the pop­u­la­tion of the city of Big Rapids, referred to by most stu­dents as “Townies” from eat­ing at the cam­pus establishment.

Students reacted by join­ing together in a joy­ous cho­rus of kum­bya as well as actu­ally eat­ing the ice cream cones they had taken.

“I can actu­ally enjoy this deli­cious treat now that some 300 pound honky isn’t sit­ting next to me with their five kids scream­ing in my ears,” Kevin Federline, junior in the nutri­tion and healthy lifestyles pro­gram, said. “I mean, I never real­ized how good ice cream could be when you can eat it with your peers.” (more…)