Oh no! Where will the classy go for a twerkin’ when lubri­cated to the point of ossification?!

The local bar Star Shooters in Big Rapids has decided to limit its age of entrance to patrons who are of legal drink­ing age.

The own­ers of Star Shooters hope this will reduce the like­li­hood of minors drink­ing in their bar.

Fewer minors drink­ing could improve the well’s rep­u­ta­tion with law enforce­ment and the com­mu­nity, while reduc­ing the num­ber of minor in pos­ses­sion offenses being doled out in the area. A quiet, tick­et­less break may have been just what Shooters needed to recon­sider its future in this town.

The news about the age shift has some men in the area stricken by fear. A mas­sive decay in poten­tial sex part­ners is thought to loom, and men have pon­dered pulling out of the Trojan mar­ket dur­ing the expected decline in sex­ual relationships.

A friend of mine feared men may need to try more than their usual grunts and ram­blings, par­tic­u­larly about noth­ing more than them­selves, while they lis­ten and dis­cuss items of inter­est with a female.

The selec­tion may dwin­dle and com­pe­ti­tion is expected to incline. No longer can using solely our name and affil­i­a­tion, for instance “Gerard Butler, I starred in P.S. I Love you,” work in the art of a pick-up.

My friend and I also dis­cussed wor­ries of teas­ing and blue bojan­gles, not­ing an icy south­ern country’s name for the crotch in this occurrence.

Bar-goers antic­i­pate a fade­less, aged crowd. Some with glee while oth­ers dismay.

An older woman I met claimed con­ver­sa­tions in the estab­lish­ment would be worth the effort, since minors will be miss­ing in action. A guy who has some­thing of sim­i­lar inter­est to talk about would bring women over­whelm­ing joy.

I choose to be an out­ly­ing suitor, who invokes knowl­edge and devotes life to soul inter­ests – as any gin­ger jour­nal­ist must.

Proponents hope young adults real­ize a moral con­science and begin a life of tee­to­tal, substance-free abstinence.

In real­ity, an expo­nen­tial growth in fake ID pur­chases will likely occur. Skilled users of Photoshop who own a qual­ity cam­era, scan­ning equip­ment and a lap­top can eas­ily spike the avail­abil­ity of illicit IDs.

I’m not sure this age restric­tion will reduce drink­ing and dri­ving offenses. It wouldn’t be a sur­prise if this caused an increase in such activity.

A dri­ver can be under­age, and dri­ving under the influ­ence, regard­less of a bar’s age allowance. Not all under­age friends with cars stay sober on the weekend.

We should try to curb the occur­rence of drunken dri­ving among friends rather than enabling the behav­ior, no mat­ter age.

I ques­tion if other nightlife estab­lish­ments in Big Rapids and Michigan will fol­low Shoots.

Regulars of legal drink­ing age most likely hope no cover charge is imposed with the absence of minors’ money.

Michigan’s non-party cam­pus may need to host more clan­des­tine soirees for the under­age core of cam­pus off cam­pus. Let’s hope this group can learn class before the needed age of enti­tle­ment: 21-plus.

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