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Make It Stop

Opinion: The last of the “Twilight” saga has been released, and hopefully for good

by Published: Nov 28, 2012

Thanksgiving was an opportunity for all of us to show our gratitude for various holiday hallmarks.

Whether you are thankful for family, friends, food or even good health, we all surely have something to appreciate. Personally, I am ecstatic that this holiday season marks the end of the “Twilight” saga.

I actually attended the second installment of the series without much of a choice. I was figuratively dragged by my belt-loop by a girlfriend at the time to brave a two hour line, followed by two hours of boredom that ensued.

I tried to rationalize the “Twilight” phenomenon, thinking that if scores of people are willing to wait in line for a movie then there must be some merit to the film. During the wait, I glanced at other guys presumably in the same circumstance, all with the same expression: well, I’m here–physically, at least.

We finally entered the screen room, as I received a full synopsis of the first movie en-route to our seats. I still have nightmares from that night.

What I saw was a pedophiles’ wet dream: Edward Cullen, a vegetarian vampire, who at over 100 years old was having intimate relations with a high school student. Also, his face lights up as bright as a Christmas tree when introduced to sunlight. If there are any vampires reading this, will you carve out a diamond and hand it over? It would alleviate many of my college expenses.

I didn’t have to put too much of an effort in to take a nap. I woke up just in time, as I’m fairly sure my girlfriend didn’t notice. I had a sharp pain in my neck from the awkward positioning for the next week, and my wallet was a little lighter. It was apparent to me that I was robbed and assaulted by “Twilight.”

I may be facetious, but the numbers don’t lie. The series finale has raked in almost $150 million dollars in the opening weekend alone, according to the Hollywood Reporter, which is three times more than the trans-generational favorite “Skyfall.”

That kind of money could go to better outlets. Salvation Army volunteers have tolerated the frigid temperatures to collect people’s unwanted change for more holiday seasons than I have years on Earth. There are families across this country that are unable to feed and/or clothe their children, and, yes, there are homeless people in Big Rapids.

There isn’t much of a choice concerning movie selection in Big Rapids, as only three different films are offered this week.

There are no plans for another movie at this time, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about some sort of a prequel release in the next year or two. The “Spiderman” and the “X-Men” characters would tell you, if there is a demand, producers will continue to pump out sub-par movies for massive profits.

I hope girlfriends and boyfriends alike are able to stop torturing each other while pretending to be benevolent to the fact that a movie may not appeal to both parties.

I was able to drop the girlfriend and hopefully I can ditch those dreaded “Twilight” flashbacks.