Make It Stop

Opinion: The last of the “Twilight” saga has been released, and hopefully for good

by Published: Nov 28, 2012

Thanksgiving was an oppor­tu­nity for all of us to show our grat­i­tude for var­i­ous hol­i­day hallmarks.

Whether you are thank­ful for fam­ily, friends, food or even good health, we all surely have some­thing to appre­ci­ate. Personally, I am ecsta­tic that this hol­i­day sea­son marks the end of the “Twilight” saga.

I actu­ally attended the sec­ond install­ment of the series with­out much of a choice. I was fig­u­ra­tively dragged by my belt-loop by a girl­friend at the time to brave a two hour line, fol­lowed by two hours of bore­dom that ensued.

I tried to ratio­nal­ize the “Twilight” phe­nom­e­non, think­ing that if scores of peo­ple are will­ing to wait in line for a movie then there must be some merit to the film. During the wait, I glanced at other guys pre­sum­ably in the same cir­cum­stance, all with the same expres­sion: well, I’m here–physically, at least.

We finally entered the screen room, as I received a full syn­op­sis of the first movie en-route to our seats. I still have night­mares from that night.

What I saw was a pedophiles’ wet dream: Edward Cullen, a veg­e­tar­ian vam­pire, who at over 100 years old was hav­ing inti­mate rela­tions with a high school stu­dent. Also, his face lights up as bright as a Christmas tree when intro­duced to sun­light. If there are any vam­pires read­ing this, will you carve out a dia­mond and hand it over? It would alle­vi­ate many of my col­lege expenses.

I didn’t have to put too much of an effort in to take a nap. I woke up just in time, as I’m fairly sure my girl­friend didn’t notice. I had a sharp pain in my neck from the awk­ward posi­tion­ing for the next week, and my wal­let was a lit­tle lighter. It was appar­ent to me that I was robbed and assaulted by “Twilight.”

I may be face­tious, but the num­bers don’t lie. The series finale has raked in almost $150 mil­lion dol­lars in the open­ing week­end alone, accord­ing to the Hollywood Reporter, which is three times more than the trans-generational favorite “Skyfall.”

That kind of money could go to bet­ter out­lets. Salvation Army vol­un­teers have tol­er­ated the frigid tem­per­a­tures to col­lect people’s unwanted change for more hol­i­day sea­sons than I have years on Earth. There are fam­i­lies across this coun­try that are unable to feed and/or clothe their chil­dren, and, yes, there are home­less peo­ple in Big Rapids.

There isn’t much of a choice con­cern­ing movie selec­tion in Big Rapids, as only three dif­fer­ent films are offered this week.

There are no plans for another movie at this time, but I wouldn’t be sur­prised to hear about some sort of a pre­quel release in the next year or two. The “Spiderman” and the “X-Men” char­ac­ters would tell you, if there is a demand, pro­duc­ers will con­tinue to pump out sub-par movies for mas­sive profits.

I hope girl­friends and boyfriends alike are able to stop tor­tur­ing each other while pre­tend­ing to be benev­o­lent to the fact that a movie may not appeal to both parties.

I was able to drop the girl­friend and hope­fully I can ditch those dreaded “Twilight” flashbacks.